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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29150088">So Ist Es Immer</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jinkiki1221/pseuds/Jinkiki1221'>Jinkiki1221</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, Wmbw, ambw, blackcharacter, blackoc</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 09:09:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,844</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29150088</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jinkiki1221/pseuds/Jinkiki1221</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Lena Njeru is a Kenyan-German 15-year-old who joined the survey corps after the fall of wall Maria in the Shiganshina District.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>So Ist Es Immer</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was always like this.</p>
<p>I spent the evening at the barracks alone on the steps of the entrance gate with thoughts weighing heavy on my mind.<br/>It had been 3 years since I first began training to be a solider and only 6 months since I graduated and joined the scouting legion. From then on, I felt I had experienced a years’ worth of trauma. I didn’t have many friends here so there weren’t many soldiers for me to lament over, but it was still hard to see people die.</p>
<p>When I came to the difficult conclusion to become a soldier 3 years ago, the original plan was to join the stationary guard. There wasn’t anything in particular that drew me to that regime—it just seemed easier than the others. The military police regime was for the top 10 in our training class (and I knew I wouldn’t be among them) and the scouting legion was…well, let’s just say I didn’t want to spend 3 years training for my early death.<br/>It seemed almost inevitable that I would join the stationary guard. I was able to have conversations with soldiers who currently served there about what duties were expected of me. I even became familiar with the cannons on the north and east walls because that’s the walls I planned to guard. I wanted to be as prepared as possible.<br/>Despite that thought, here I am, sporting a jacket that has the wings of freedom stitched on the arms and back.<br/>What changed my mind?<br/>Two words: my family.<br/>I tried so desperately to find meaning in my life after both my parents were eaten by that abhorrent titan. It is unbelievably hard to continue without your parents. I thought of living in their honor since I am the only obvious immigrant living within the walls, but my loneliness was overwhelming. No one was ever outright rude or disrespectful to me since becoming a trainee, but it was clear that our physical differences couldn’t be ignored. I drew attention to me no matter what I did and for that reason, others typically seemed to avoid me.<br/>At first, none of it mattered to me. I wanted to live. Live for my mom and dad. Make something of my life so that I could proudly say I was their daughter.<br/>However, as time went on, I figured that if I were to prove anything to the higher-ups of this land, I had to be amongst the brave. The scouting legion was the perfect setting. Really, I had nothing else to lose.</p>
<p>And at least if I died, I’d be remembered as a hero.</p>
<p>I looked up towards the dark sky above me, as I usually did, and said a prayer for my mother and father.<br/>Saying my prayers each night had gotten easier since their deaths. It wasn’t much, but it gave me some sense of closure that they could hear me telling them that I missed them and that I hoped they were happy, wherever they were.<br/>After saying my prayers, I picked up my guitar and began to strum a few notes. They briefly filled the silence surrounding me.</p>
<p>Mom and dad always wanted me to play an instrument. From a young age, they enrolled me in flute lessons before transitioning me to guitar. I liked guitar more than the flute, so we went with it. I went from playing simple childhood nursery rhymes to sophisticated compositions to creating my own pieces. The only thing other than my parents that gave me serenity was music. It is the best companion I’ve got.</p>
<p>I held the instrument tightly in my grasp and fingered the chords to my latest composition. I left the sheet music back at my bunk and was apprehensive about running back to get it mostly fearing the alienating stares of my comrades, who I could hear enjoying stories and hearty laughs around the campfire at a distance. </p>
<p>Sometimes, I wished I could fit right in with them. It would make life easier for me.</p>
<p>As a child I thought of my parent’s phenotypes as a curse. My dark skin that didn’t flush red from a day’s hard work, dark eyes that didn’t resemble the morning sky and loc’d hair that didn’t flow like waterfalls down my back weren’t meaningful enough for me. I’ve only ever wanted to be normal. Why was I cursed with such variance? My dad told me that there are others out there like me, but we’d have to go back home to see them. I wanted to believe him. There were times I resented him for even leaving Kenya if it meant I wouldn’t have to deal with eyes boring into my skin each time I ventured out into the world.</p>
<p>Not wanting to run back for my sheet music, I decided to do that from memory.<br/>Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and began to strum the first few chords. The notes alone filled the silence around me until I opened my mouth and began to sing:</p>
<p>Die Stühle liegen sehr eng<br/>Wir reden die ganze Nacht lang<br/>Dieser niedrige Raum ist nicht schlecht<br/>Wir können uns gut verstehen…</p>
<p>I strummed more.</p>
<p>So ist es immer, unser Licht ist nur das<br/>Trinken und singen wir, begrüßen morgen<br/>So ist es immer, unter'm riesigen Himmel<br/>Leben wir zusammen, die Nacht ist lang…</p>
<p>I paused for a bit trying to remember the fingering for the next couple of chords:</p>
<p>Da die Sterne nicht leuchten<br/>Kann der Mond auf diese Stadt nicht scheinen<br/>Schauten wir das Licht selbst an<br/>Singen wir unter dem Sternenmeer…</p>
<p>Satisfied with how far I’d gotten on my memory, I relaxed my posture and looked up at the sky, releasing a breath I didn’t know I was holding in. For some reason, I began to think about the soldier who turned my mom, dad and me away from the inner walls.</p>
<p>To this day, I don’t know who he is or whether or not he is still alive, but I will never forget his face. I told everyone here that a titan killed my parents but, in all honesty, the titan wouldn’t have gotten to them if that bastard had just let us in. If it wasn’t for that man, I wouldn’t be here right now pitifully playin chords in the barracks of a place I’m not even sure I want to be at. If it wasn’t for him, my parents would still be alive.</p>
<p>Tears began to well in my eyes.</p>
<p>Fuck you…I thought angrily while tears escaped down my cheeks. One tear drop hitting my guitar reminded me that I was in the middle of a song. Wiping my eyes, I started on the second part and decided to keep going until I could recall no more.</p>
<p>Chairs so close and room so small<br/>You and I talk all the night long<br/>Meagre this space but serves us so well<br/>We comrades have stories to tell<br/>And it's always like that in the evening time<br/>We drink and we sing when our fighting is done<br/>And it's always so we live under the burnt clouds<br/>Ease our burden, long is the night<br/>Just as no stars can be seen<br/>We all starve for a moonbeam on our town<br/>We must all gather as one<br/>Sing with hope and the fear will be gone……</p>
<p>The last chord echoed into the night and after the vibrations in the air dissipated, silence fell around me once again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“….is that something you wrote?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I let out a loud gasp and immediately whipped behind me to find Captain Levi standing not too far away with his arms crossed and an expressionless look on his face. </p>
<p>“I’m sorry captain. Was I being too loud?” </p>
<p>“No, I just happened to be in the area,” Levi unexpectedly took a seat beside me and I tensed up. “Did you write that?” He asked me again, still as expressionless as the first time he asked.</p>
<p>“Y…yes sir...” I answered timidly.</p>
<p>“...it’s beautiful.”</p>
<p>Beautiful? I thought. That was a lot coming from the captain. I felt my cheeks run hot.</p>
<p>“Thank you, captain.”<br/> I looked down at my guitar.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Do you speak German, Lena?”</p>
<p>I peeped towards captain Levi and our eyes met for a brief moment before I shied away from his gaze.<br/>“I do. My mother and father had me learn it as a child. I know the language isn’t spoken by many people nowadays but they thought it’d be useful to know in case I ever came across the royals. They thought it’d make me look valuable.”</p>
<p>“That’s admirable. You play that thing pretty well, too. You must have been doing it for some time.”<br/>I smiled briefly and tightened my grip around the guitar’s neck. The sudden interest Levi had taken in getting to know me was making me nervous.<br/>“I’ve played since I was a child,” I answered modestly. “Again, all thanks to my parents.”<br/>“I see,” Levi responded. “The talent wasn’t wasted. I can tell you worked hard on it.”</p>
<p>I beamed. Levi’s words were very touching to me, empty or not. Almost every night I would be out here, alone with my guitar, wondering if this is the way it was meant to be. Ignored by most of my comrades, barely regarded by my superiors, and wondering if humanity deserved my flesh on the frontlines.</p>
<p>“I owe it all to my family,” I responded.</p>
<p>“The lyrics were also well done, Lena. Very meaningful.”</p>
<p>I blushed. Levi sure was getting his compliments in today. I wonder if he has a personal quota to reach, or something? <br/>“…thank you. It’s how I feel about our missions and everything I’ve experienced here. It helps me sometimes—helps me to have hope. Hope that this battle we’re fighting is…worth fighting for….”</p>
<p>Captain Levi watched my instrument for a moment with both of his wrists resting on his knees. <br/>“If it gives you hope, then keep at it. Anything to take your mind off this hell we are experiencing is good use.”</p>
<p>Silence came between us before Levi spoke again.</p>
<p>“….I think you should show this song to the rest of the scouts.” </p>
<p>I gasped and held my guitar to my chest like a precious jewel I wasn’t willing to give up.<br/>“WHAT!?” I shouted. I covered my mouth instantly after, hearing pigeons flock into the distance and my echo fill the sky. <br/>“….I could never do that,” I whispered, “what if they don’t like my singing? Or what if they think the song is stupid? This is something that I wrote and composed myself…it’s a part of me. I’m sorry sir, but…if they don’t like it then I’ll only be alienating myself more.”</p>
<p>Levi stared in response, no sort of emotion crossing his visage. “…its up to you. I think your singing is fine and I think the scouts would feel closer to one another after hearing it, but of course, your old enough to make your own decisions.”<br/>As Levi got up, I felt a compelling sense of pride rise in me. He was right; though I wasn’t close to many of my comrades, I did feel like I had a gift I could share to help them get to know me a little better. </p>
<p>“Captain,” I called out to him. He stopped walking and turned to look at me.</p>
<p>“I’ll do it.”</p>
<p>Levi once again stared in response before answering. “They should be a little past the north gate. Knock yourself out.”<br/>He began to walk away again, but I stopped him.<br/>“Captain…” I whined.<br/>Levi stopped once again and glanced at me. “What now?”<br/>“I’m….” my voice trailed off.  I was afraid to face my comrades alone. Honestly, I was hoping he would come with me since he suggested I show my song to them.</p>
<p>Levi must’ve known exactly what I was thinking because he rolled his eyes and tsked disgruntledly. <br/>“Fine. Come on.”<br/>Levi and I found the circle of scouts surrounded by a campfire. All of them were busy laughing and talking with one another until increasingly, they began to notice Levi and I approaching.</p>
<p>Levi stood at the circle’s entrance and waited for everyone to stop their banter while I went to find a log to sit on.</p>
<p>“Captain?” One of the scouts asked. “Is there something wrong?” Levi, as he always did, crossed his arms.<br/>“I just came here to remind you all that there will be a room and equipment inspection in a few days. Don’t forget about it if you don’t want extra cleaning duties.”</p>
<p>A chorus of “yes captain!” erupted in the small circle and Levi nodded. “Good. Also…your comrade, Lena,” he gestured over to me and several heads turned to meet my eyes. <br/>“She has something personal she’d like to share with you all.”</p>
<p>Apprehensively, I positioned my guitar horizontally on my lap. “I wrote this after our last mission after witnessing the deaths and the fear on everyone’s faces,” I began. I felt my throat start to close up on me, but I pushed on, nonetheless. “If it helps, I hope this song gives everyone strength to keep their heads high during these times…and possibly bring us closer together.” </p>
<p>Everyone watched me expectantly as I fixed my posture, preparing to play. I took a glimpse at Levi who had now taken a seat next to a scout, waiting to hear my playing as well.<br/>“The first part of this song is in German, but the rest of it is in our language, so you should be able to understand it later on. I hope that isn’t any trouble for anyone.” <br/>No one said anything, so I took that as my cue to start. Without waiting any longer, I strummed the first few chords of the song and began to sing.</p>
<p>Die Stühle liegen sehr eng<br/>Wir reden die ganze Nacht lang<br/>Dieser niedrige Raum ist nicht schlecht<br/>Wir können uns gut verstehen…</p>
<p>I quickly looked up at everyone’s faces before continuing.</p>
<p>So ist es immer, unser Licht ist nur das<br/>Trinken und singen wir, begrüßen morgen<br/>So ist es immer, unter'm riesigen Himmel<br/>Leben wir zusammen, die Nacht ist lang…</p>
<p>Da die Sterne nicht leuchten<br/>Kann der Mond auf diese Stadt nicht scheinen<br/>Schauten wir das Licht selbst an<br/>Singen wir unter dem Sternenmeer…</p>
<p>No reactions came from anyone, so I figured it was because they didn’t understand it yet.</p>
<p>Chairs so close and room so small<br/>You and I talk all the night long<br/>Meagre this space but serves us so well<br/>We comrades have stories to tell</p>
<p>And it's always like that in the evening time<br/>We drink and we sing when our fighting is done<br/>And it's always so we live under the burnt clouds<br/>Ease our burden, long is the night<br/>Just as no stars can be seen<br/>We all starve for a moonbeam on our town<br/>We must all gather as one<br/>Sing with hope and the fear will be gone……</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Continuing my playing, I took another glimpse at my comrades and what I saw amazed me.</p>
<p>Some of them had nostalgic smiles spread on their faces. Some were swaying to the tune. Some had no real reaction at all and were completely still, staring into space. Maybe they were remembering bits of their past. And some of them…some of them were crying.</p>
<p>I continued, this time closing my eyes and being sure to push my emotions out through my singing voice. Crisp and clear, the notes flowed out of my throat like wind through the trees.</p>
<p>Die Stühle liegen sehr eng<br/>You and I talk all the night long<br/>Dieser niedrige Raum ist nicht schlecht<br/>We comrades have stories to tell<br/>So ist es immer, that in the evening time<br/>We drink and we sing when our fighting is done<br/>So ist es immer, we live under the burnt clouds<br/>Ease our burden, long is the night<br/>Da die Sterne nicht leuchten<br/>We all starve for a moonbeam on our town<br/>Schauten wir das Licht selbst an<br/>Sing with hope and the fear will be gone……</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I finished strumming the last of the notes and when the song was over, I slowly opened my eyes. Many of my comrades were staring at me, either expressionless or while wiping away at tears. I relaxed my posture and wiped away remnants of dust coming from the fire on my guitar.<br/>“Thanks for listening everyone.”</p>
<p>My comrades were quiet until I heard one of them say,<br/>“That was beautiful.”</p>
<p>“I was telling her the same thing,” Levi mentioned. “She has a talent, right guys?”</p>
<p>“I’ll say,” a bald guy spoke. “If I could play something like that, you’d always be hearing from me.”<br/>A girl next to him enjoying cooked meat on a stick spoke as well. “Lena’s your name, right? How do you know German?”</p>
<p>I filled them in on where I was from and how I was raised.</p>
<p>“That’s cool that you speak German!” one scout said.<br/>“Yeah, and even cooler that you’re from another land and can speak that language as well!” another scout chimed in.</p>
<p>After the scouts and I said goodnight to captain Levi and talked more with each other more, we all decided to call it a night and head to the private rooms.<br/>As I gathered my guitar, I could hear a voice come from beside me.<br/>“You said you’re from the Shiganshina district? I think I remember seeing you around there. I’m surprised we haven’t met properly.” I turned to see a blonde boy standing not too far away from me with a gentle smile on his face.<br/>“Yeah, I’m from there,” I responded. “My parents moved there before I was born. I grew up there.”<br/>“That’s cool. Where are they now?” he asked. I fell silent and the guy instantly got panicky.<br/>“Oh! I’m sorry. I assume they….”<br/>“Yeah,” I finished for him. “When the wall fell, they were eaten by a titan.”</p>
<p>I decided to leave the story at that and not mention the military policeman who denied them access to the inner walls. Some things are just better left for later.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry to hear that. Well, my name is Armin,” he extended his hand to me and I shook it.  “I have two other friends here who are also from the Shiganshina district.  We all grew up together and lost our parents too. Want to meet them? Maybe they might’ve seen you around, too.”<br/>I obliged, not seeing how this could hurt me and agreed to meet Armin outside of his room so he could have time to let them know I was coming.</p>
<p>As I headed over to Armin’s room, alone in the silence of night, I passed by Captain Levi who was carrying a stack of paper’s to Commander Erwin’s office.<br/>“Captain?” I said, cutting into the peaceful silence. “I thought you were off to bed a while ago, did something happen?”<br/>Levi stopped and took a long look at me. “Oh, it’s you. How did everything go with your comrades?”<br/>It was very like him to ignore my questions. I replied anyway.<br/>“I think they’re starting to warm up to me,” I responded happily.<br/>“Warm up?” Levi asked with a hint of curiosity in his emotionless reply. “What do you mean by that?”<br/>Was he really asking me what I meant? I thought it would be clear as day….<br/>Too shy to answer, I let the silence take over, hoping he would drop it and move on.<br/>Instead, Levi answered himself. </p>
<p>“If you’re talking about you being different having to do with them not interacting with you, then I think you’re wrong. I think they were just intimidated.”</p>
<p>I stood in silence yet again before letting out an exhausted exhale. Levi took a few steps closer to me so that he could more easily see my face in the dim light by Erwin’s office door.</p>
<p>“Listen Lena,” Levi began in a stoic but much softer tone, “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but there isn’t anyone around here that looks like you.” <br/>His voice was laced with sarcasm, but I listened anyways. <br/>“Sometimes people think that different is scary and they don’t want any part of it. It happens. As long as you don’t lose sight of who you are, where you came from or why you’re here, you’re in control. You’re nice, but you’re too timid. Stop it. The minute you let your self-worth take control of you, you’ll begin to see other scouts respect you. It isn’t fair but it’s up to you, Lena, to create the narrative for yourself around here, not the other scouts. Don’t continue to lie in your self-pity. You’ll rot in it.”</p>
<p>Before I had a chance to reply, Captain Levi disappeared behind Commander Erwin’s door. I didn’t know how to react to his “pep-talk”, or ever knew if it was a pep-talk at all.<br/>Continuing my path to Armin’s room, a bright light above my head got my attention. I looked up to see the clouds had cleared and there was the full, beautiful, shining full moon above my head with a few stars decorating its space. I felt a nostalgic pain hit me in my chest as I thought of mom and dad, whom I loved to sit underneath the moonlight with as they told me stories of Kenya and my birth. God, I missed both of them so much. I thought about what Captain Levi told me.</p>
<p>“As long as you don’t lose sight of who you are, where you came from or why you’re here, you’re in control.”</p>
<p>I smiled faintly, trying not to get choked up before reaching Armin’s room. My parents had given me my last name, my skin color, and my heritage but they also gave me the strength to carry on. Sure I was afraid to face titans and afraid to become the outcast of the scouting legion simply for being different, but my identity is the sense of purpose I should use to fuel the fight for humanity.</p>
<p>“And my guitar skills,” I whispered to myself, smiling even more. “I can sing my feelings because of them.”<br/>I looked to the sky and thanked my parents for giving all they had to me. “I promise,” I told them between growing sniffles, “the world will know who you both are. Even if I have to sing it into the final battle of my life, I’ll make sure someone out there knows who you both are.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I made it to the barracks, taking in another good look at the clear night sky. Fear of the battles yet to come filled my heart but my heritage, my music and my mom and dad reminded me to stay strong.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And besides, I thought to myself, if I sing with hope, then the fear will be gone.</p>
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